Although a righteous person may fall seven times, he gets up again. -Proverbs 24:16a
We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God--those whom he has called according to his plan. -Romans 8:28
There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure. -Paulo Coelho
Failure is a detour, not a dead-end street. -Zig Ziglar
My brother and I started a restaurant 17 years ago in Carrollton, Texas. The chili we developed and used in most of our menu items was key to attracting patrons to our store. I started developing the recipe from scratch with a desire to make a Midwestern-style chili with a Texas flare. After 20 attempts I was close, but not close enough to what we needed. I continued to experiment, and after 40 attempts the recipe still wasn’t quite right. Finally after 51 attempts, it happened. I produced the winning combination of ingredients that became our signature chili.
The restaurant is now gone, but reflecting back, I never thought of all those recipe attempts as failures or negatives. That’s because each attempt was taking me one step closer to the goal. I knew in time I would eventually succeed, and the final product would be worth the work (and time) in between.
Failure is a necessary part of any journey. If we never fail, we never learn what works and what doesn’t. It also helps us to grow in humility, perseverance and patience, so important to our character. And, it’s the failures in our lives that are our greatest teachers.
However, our society (and the church) disdain failure and only praise success; never acknowledging the failures which built the very foundation for those successes.
The root of the fear of failure
Instead of focusing on the fear of failure, let’s examine the root of the fear itself, which is the fear of rejection.
We tell ourselves that failing at something is never as bad as being “seen as a failure” by ourselves or others. Misunderstanding our identity in Christ can lead us to create a false image or persona we try desperately to maintain externally. And any failure could cause others to think less of us, criticize, judge–even condemn us–crumbling our self-crafted persona and leaving us in turmoil internally.
When we’re driven by fear of rejection, it manifests itself in a fear of failure or a fear of abandonment. Either way, we’re fearful of being less in others’ eyes and losing their acceptance. Or, even being abandoned by them for not living up to a group standard or expectation.
As a pastor, I dealt with this fear myself and among those in my church. We feared the results of our failure more than the failure itself. So, we’d go to church with a mask on, pretend that everything was okay (when it wasn’t) and hope that nobody would find out our hypocrisy. Rather than being real with each other and accepting failure as normal and necessary to our emotional, mental and spiritually growth.
Fear of rejection is based on a false identity
Fear of rejection is based on believing and holding to a false identity. These false identities are based on the belief that fundamentally “I’m no good,” or “I’m worthless,” or “there’s something wrong with me.” The rejection that might come with failure could reinforce these beliefs and the emotional hurt and pain that go with them. These beliefs come from unresolved trauma, hurts and disappointments of the past. All which caused us to create our false identity in the first place. An identity we carry with us, sometimes unknowingly. And it’s this identity that’s the real issue, not the fear of rejection itself.
How do we overcome the fear of failure? We start with the false identities that we’ve created. Otherwise we’re not getting to the root of the issue. When we begin to focus on our true identity in Christ and His life, rather than the false messages of shame, unworthiness and worthlessness we tell ourselves, we begin to live based on the truth of who we truly are. Then our inner person–confident in our union in Him–will begin to overcome the fear of rejection, which eventually will overcome fear of failure.
Love is the key
Love overcomes false identities. When we come to know and experience the immeasurable love God has for us, our mindset begins to change about ourselves and God. This love is known as “agape” love, which is an unconditional love that seeks the highest good of the one loved.
Our union in Christ in spirit is the reality of who we are, “He who is joined to the Lord is one spirit with Him.” (I Corinthians 6:17). Not because we said a prayer or were baptized or tried harder to be “good.” God’s work in Christ is a completed work of grace. Grace beyond our attempts to do anything for Him. And, we were and have always been included in that completed work, which is our union in Christ.
What is the truth of my union in Christ? My true identify?
In Christ…
I AM loved
I AM accepted
I AM valued
I AM complete
I AM sufficient
I AM a co-creator
I AM a co-heir
I AM one spirit
I AM abundance
I AM forgiven
I AM patience
I AM peace
I AM kind
I AM holy
I AM free
Let love and your true union in Christ transform the understanding of your identity, and the fear of rejection will give way to the reality that you are, and have always been, accepted in Christ. Knowing this, the fear of failure is less, because you know that no matter the failure, you’re loved, accepted and valued. You’re free to be yourself regardless of “failures” or “successes.”
Love makes failure your friend
Knowing you’re loved unconditionally no matter what, open’s the opportunity to try new things, be adventurous and live in the moment. Failure can be your friend because you’re not trying to please anyone or any group. You can just be yourself, make failure your friend and learn through it. Thomas Edison said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” This can be your mindset too.
Tragically, some church teachings over the centuries has laid a legalistic burden on our backs to look good, do good and be a perfect Christian, which is impossible and never our God’s intent. Jesus is.
The Pharisees of Jesus’ day did the same thing by laying a legalistic burden on the Jews, which was too heavy for them to bear. Jesus said it this way, “Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light," (Matthew 11:28-30).
Enjoy the unconditional love of God in this endless field of grace that allows you to be yourself, to fail and realize it’s not final, and to learn and grow during your time in this physical body.
The greatest failure is to not love yourself and others, or enjoy being loved. It’s the only reason you live on this planet, so make the most of each moment!