“And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.” I Corinthians 13:13
God the Father: “I just noticed that she lost her job. Was that supposed to happen?”
Jesus: “I’ve been busy with a billion and one things. The Holy Spirit lives in her, she should be on top of this.”
God the Father: “Holy Spirit, can you explain why she lost her job? This seemed to have come out of left field.”
Holy Spirit: “Firstly, in my defense, she doesn’t really listen to me. Secondly, she is impulsive and took this job a few years ago thinking she would have some job security. I tried to explain to her that we are her security and not jobs or money.”
God the Father: “That doesn’t explain why we were caught off guard. How could this happen?”
Jesus: “Let’s all just calm down and take a deep breath, I’m sure we can figure something out. We’re the Trinity, right”?
Can God Really Be Trusted?
Can you imagine the Trinity having this conversation? I’ve always had that nagging feeling that if I didn’t worry and be anxious, things wouldn’t work out like I wanted them to; that God couldn’t quite be trusted to handle my life, career, finances or family; and I needed to maintain some semblance of control (which by the way is a major source of anxiety).
In part 2 of this series, I want to look at anxiety from the perspective of a God who loves you with agape, and your experience with the God of agape. I’ll start with a personal journey that led me to experiencing God personally and His agape love for me.
Everything Changed Over Night
On the morning of July 5, 2016, I woke up and everything physically had changed overnight. The night before I was feeling fine, except for a little numbness and tingling in my toes. I woke up the next morning with nerve pain, burning sensations and tingling that had spread to my feet, ankles, calves, hands and arms. Within days it was in my scalp, eyes, tongue and stomach. I began to lose weight at the rate of a pound a day; I would eventually lose over 30 pounds in two months.
Life became a constant search to find out what was wrong, going from doctor to doctor. At one point, I landed in the ER due to numbness in my face and hands; again, they couldn’t find what was wrong. Over the next six months, I saw six neurologists including the head of the neuro muscular department at the University of Texas Southwestern Medical Center in Dallas, two rheumatologists, an infectious disease doctor, endocrinologist, etc., etc. Multiple MRIs, CAT scans, ultra sounds, EEGs and over 300 blood tests gave no clues to the problem. The doctors were stumped and I was left in no-man’s land.
Each day, my symptoms would increase. It was like waking up with a different body every morning, not knowing what that day’s challenges would be, but always hoping they would get better. Hope. That’s something I began to lose as doctor after doctor told me they didn’t know what was wrong with me and could not help me.
Above all, I was afraid, for myself and my family. What if I couldn’t work anymore? What if I never recovered? My heart began to race and would not stop. I could no longer work out because of the increase in nerve pain when I did. Anything that required exertion or mental energy caused the symptoms to get worse. I had to stop working and could not qualify for disability due to the inability to diagnose my condition.
How Could a Good God Allow This to Happen?
I could not see myself living this way the rest of my life, a burden financially and physically to my family and friends. Unable to contribute in any meaningful way and always wondering how much worse it would get. I started to consider my options, and suicide became a very real solution for me. It seemed the best course of action for everyone. My family would be free of the burden and difficulties that came with someone who was sick and disabled. If I did it right, insurance would pay my wife, and I would be free of the constant 24 hours, seven days a week of pain.
I was depressed, angry, crying every day, filled with self-pity and self-loathing. But above all, I was angry at God. “Why would He allow this to happen to me if He really loved me?” “Why would He abandon me to a life of slow decay and suffering, like some masochistic pervert who got a thrill from the suffering of his victims?”
The worst part of my experience was the anxiety and fear that had gripped me that I couldn’t shake. Every day, almost every moment, I was focused on the illness, my pain, and what new symptom I had that day. I also knew I couldn’t control it, no matter what I did. I felt like a rat in a trap!
Love Changes Everything
In the midst of my questions of “why,” the doubts, anger, pain and confusion, God seemed say to my heart, “Do you believe that I’m perfect love and that I have always loved you perfectly? And if you’re willing to believe it, would you be willing to trust Me in the deepest difficulties of your life?” It took me a year to answer those two questions. Frankly I did not believe that He was love or that He loved me perfectly, ever! I knew me and I didn’t love me, so how could God, who knows ALL my faults, love me?
When I finally said yes to those two questions, the door opened to my heart for Him to express His true nature and character, which is perfect agape love. It seemed like a contradiction: how can I be going through all this pain and misery, which He appears to be allowing, and yet believe that He is a good God of pure and perfect love?
It took some time, but somehow, love began to turn my heart. God’s true agape love for me began to find a way. It sounds a little mystical, because it is. But it’s the truth. His unconditional love, compassion and extravagant grace found a way. I never felt condemned or judged by Him during this time. He never gave up, quit or abandoned me. In the midst of the greatest contradictions I had ever experienced in understanding God, somehow I knew He loved me and because of that love, He could be trusted.
Experience Agape Love
I don’t know how you experience God. Maybe in prayer or just talking out loud to Him. Or, walking outside enjoying nature or spending time contemplating or enjoying some music or as you read scriptures. I’ve found meditation and contemplation to be effective for me, It quiets my soul to listen so I can meditate on my true union with God in Christ; contemplating a scripture verse or something I see in nature that tells of His character and love for me.
Whatever it is for you, I encourage you to spend some time focused on Him, for the purpose of experiencing and listening to Him in your spirit and soul. To come to the reality that He is a good God who loves you with agape love. You’re precious to Him; He desires you above all else. Your life (and problems) are important.
Please note: it’s not enough to know about God, regardless of your religious persuasion. It’s about experiencing Him in your union with Him (John 14:20). Relationships are not about reading or studying about a friend, spouse or child. They’re not built on academic study or parsing of letters and emails (John 5:39, 40). A relationship is built on personal one-on-one interaction between two people (John 17:3). Then trust is built when you get to know the true character and nature of the other person through those interactions (Philippians 4:6-7). The same is true of God. Enjoying His agape for you, in relationship, is the first step in overcoming anxiety and fear. It opens the door to experiencing true agape and then trusting God (Romans 8:37-39).
Would you like to experience God? You need go no further than your soul and spirit. He is there, just waiting. Talk to Him about your anxiety, worry and panic attack. Or, whatever else you’re going through just as debilitating. Let him know that you want to experience this relationship of love with Him, not stale religion. He knows you and wants you to experience His love for you.
This is just a step, a starting point, but an important one. There’s no judgment, criticism or impatience. You’ll discover a listening ear, a loving heart and a kind word of encouragement. “Be still and know that I am God.” (Psalm 46:10a).
In part 3 of this series, we’ll look at practical meditation, contemplation and agape love in dealing with anxiety and panic attacks.