“Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ!” Galatians 1:10b
“Everyone fears rejection.” Derek Jeter
“Once again my father’s telling me what I should do with my life. I moved to Chicago for a job in music because it’s what I love. But if I tell him that, it will cause a huge argument and we’ll both get upset. I’ll just tell him he’s right and that I’ll reconsider my decision.”
“I know the church is short on workers in the children’s department. But working with children just isn’t my thing. Instead, I’d love to focus my energies at a local animal shelter and help with rescue opportunities. But I’m afraid the children’s minister won’t understand and say that shelter work isn’t as important.”
“Why does my husband continue to run up our credit cards? We can’t afford the payments on the other two that are maxed out. I need to discuss this with him and come to an agreement about our finances. But he just shuts down when I try to bring it up, and I hate the silence and distance that occurs. Better not to say anything to keep the peace.”
People pleasing can control our everyday lives and decisions. The person you “play” to get people’s approval (for fear of their rejection) is not the person you really are. We see this with those we minister to. And I’ve experienced it in my own life.
The good news is there’s a way out of continually trying to win approval while never being able to be yourself. And now’s the time to let the true you come out and enjoy being the person God made you.
People pleasing and consequences
Many of us struggle with fear of rejection which turns us into people pleasers. We need the approval of others to feel good about ourselves. It happens when interviewing for a job, being asked out, speaking in front of others, trying to say “no” but agreeing to something you don’t agree with, and more!
We all need to be affirmed and accepted for who we are and fear being rejected if “people don’t like me for who I am.” But fear of rejection can do more harm physically and emotionally than actually experiencing rejection.
I grew up with a horrible fear of rejection and became a people pleaser. I had experienced rejection in my family of origin during my early years and it had a cascading effect on everything else. It impacted my relationship with my parents, siblings, friends, people at school, church life, dating, work, college, career and so on. I wanted to fit in and be accepted above everything. It wasn’t until I was in my late 40s that I realized the people pleaser I had become because of my fear of rejection. And it was destroying my health and emotional well-being due to stress, anxiety and depression.
People pleasing is about identity
The way to living a healthier life is to know your identity in Christ Jesus. When you know your identity, as determined by God the Father in Christ, it frees you to be yourself regardless of who accepts you or rejects you. In other words, it’s the difference between focusing on your body/soul verses focusing on who you really are in union with Christ in the Spirit. The latter opens the door to peace and loving yourself as God uniquely made you.
Shame and a sense of worthlessness keep many locked in a perpetual people-pleasing cycle. Because shame says, “there is something wrong with you.” But when you know your identity in Christ, and the unconditional love of God, then fear is driven out (I John 4:18a). The disapproval of others doesn’t impact who you are in Christ — nor your value and worth before God.
Therefore, begin to meditate on the truth of who you are. Start with these I AM statements. They’re truth statements about who God says you are:
I AM the righteousness of God in Christ.
I AM accepted unconditionally in Christ.
I AM loved unconditionally in Christ.
I AM valued unconditionally in Christ.
I AM one Spirit with Christ.
I AM God’s masterpiece in Christ.
I AM sufficient in Christ.
I AM complete in Christ.
I AM peace in Christ.
I AM an overcomer in Christ.
Repeat these to yourself several times a day and let them become ingrained in your memory and thinking. Release any false thinking that is the opposite of these I AM affirmations. If you let go of the lies and receive the truth, you’ll begin to see your fear subside over time and cease your cycle of people pleasing.
Living free from people pleasing
Begin to live free of people pleasing by asking the Holy Spirit to make you aware when you’re feeling the fear of rejection. Ask Him to make you aware of when you have a desire to please people rather than to be yourself and enjoy your acceptance in Christ. Awareness of how you feel and what you’re thinking at any given moment is the beginning point to living free.
Every person, no matter who they are, is in union with God in Christ Jesus. Christ is the truth about me and you, which trumps our difficult history, what others may say or think, or what we’ve believed about ourselves.
You’re loved as a child of God in Christ, accepted unconditionally apart from your failures or mistakes. No amount of good works or lack thereof can change how God sees or feels about you. He loves you. So rejection is off the table; you are free to be yourself!