“And which of you by worrying can add even one hour to his life?” Matthew 6:27
“But Martha was distracted with all the preparations she had to make, so she came up to Him and said, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do all the work alone? Tell her to help me." But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things, but one thing is needed. Mary has chosen the best part; it will not be taken away from her." Luke 10:40-42
“There is nothing you can control about love.” Jennifer Aniston
I recently had a contractor install a TV on the wall in my den. After ordering the TV, wall mount and hiring the contractor for the installation, the day finally came. The contractor arrived with the TV and his helper and begin the installation. While he was doing that, I started writing this article. But there was a problem, I kept worrying about the details of the installation. “Will they mess up the wood floor with their equipment or drop the TV?” “Are they mounting it high enough?” “Is the mount big enough for the TV? And, will it be strong enough to hold the TV?” The control freak Scott went into the den and offered his assistance.
Finally, the contractor walked me through everything they’d do, how they’d do it, and asked me to trust him. “Trust him?” I went back to my office to work on this article about worrying and being a control freak. It finally dawned on me that I was doing the very thing I wanted to help others with!
Ever been a worrier-control freak like me? Keep reading, because even when we find ourselves in the cycle, there’s a way out.
Worry vs. Anxiety
There’s a difference between worry and anxiety.
Worry is a state of mind, while anxiety is a state of being that impacts the body physiologically.
Worry is a focus that dominates the mind’s attention while anxiety can change the way the mind and body work together. In fact, it can increase undue stress to the point that the autonomic nervous system (that regulates breathing, circulation, digestion and our ‘fight or flight’ responses) are impacted negatively.
Worry is an unhealthy focus on that which can’t be controlled, while anxiety is the obsession mentally and physically that causes us to live by the fight or flight subconscious subroutines, which in many ways we are unaware of.
Example: I may worry about wild animals while I am out camping to the point that I can’t enjoy myself. My mind’s too focused on something that may never happen. Anxiety can so grip me that I don’t even go on the camping trip; or if I do, I stay in my tent with my shotgun waiting for a wild animal to attack me, not sleeping and suffering physically.
The Cycle
The cycle begins with a fear of something that will or will not happen. Fear is at the root of worry (and many other things). If my project at school isn’t turned in on time, I’ll be penalized for it. The fear is the loss of a good grade and how it impacts my overall grade, which impacts how recruiters see me and whether they’ll hire me. That impacts my ability to get a job, live on my own, pay my bills, and God forbid, have to live with my parents. Therefore, I worry about getting the project in on time, verses planning and preparing to get it in on time, while enjoying my life in the moment.
When my mind is focused on worrying about the project, eventually I’ll default into control freak mode. When that happens, I may cancel plans with other people just to make sure I go to bed on time and get to class on time the next day. I may set my alarm for 5:00 a.m. instead of 6:15 a.m. to make sure I don’t oversleep. I may arrive to class one hour early, while the earlier class is still in session, or even go in and sit in the back, disturbing others. If that class goes long, I might raise my hand and ask when the class will end. While I’m waiting, I may text my classmates and ask them to review my project paper, even though they’re likely busy getting their projects finished, and trying to get to class.
Once in control-freak mode, awareness in the moment of our thoughts, feelings and actions becomes very difficult. The subprograms of our brain are running, and we usually stay on the merry-go-round until we get the end-result we feel we must have.
The Need to Control
Control gives us a sense of safety and security that actually does not exist. James 4:13-15 puts it this way, “Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go into this or that town and spend a year there and do business and make a profit.’ You do not know about tomorrow. What is your life like? For you are a puff of smoke that appears for a short time and then vanishes. You ought to say instead, ‘If the Lord is willing, then we will live and do this or that.’’
His point is that we don’t even know what the next second will bring, only God does, so trust Him with the future. Our lives are similar to a puff of smoke that is here and gone, why not trust a good and loving God who cares for you and loves you? A false sense of safety and security, trusting your abilities to control situations or people is no substitute for a trust and rest in God who loves you with agape love – a love that leads you into soul rest, even when things don’t work out.
The Root of the Issue
Fear regarding an outcome we need leads to worry. Worry leads to reactive seeking of control, that can lead to control-freak mode. This leads to poor decisions, harming of relationships. and ultimately, a greater isolation from others.
I believe fear is driven in part by the belief we’re not safe and secure in the love of God. I John 4:18 says, “There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life - fear of death, fear of judgment - is one not yet fully formed in love.”
When you know you’re loved with agape by God, who’s single desire is to love you and bring you into soul rest, it reduces fear and a desire to have control.
If I’m a passenger in an airplane and don’t believe the pilot’s main desire is to fly me safely to my destination and that I enjoy the journey, then I’ll likely begin to worry. That worry could turn into a desire to control the situation, even though I’m not qualified to fly a plane! The best thing is to trust that the pilot has my best interest at heart and will get me to my destination safely. Then, I can rest in my seat and enjoy the ride.
Living in Reality
Our fears are generally based on past traumas, hurts or disappointments that we don’t want to experience again. This is understandable; however, God’s desire in Christ is for you to enjoy your life, the abundant life Jesus talked about, “I have come so that they may have life, and may have it abundantly” (John 10:10b). How then do I get out of this worry, control freak cycle and enjoy the abundant life in Christ?
Ask God to make you aware of your thoughts and feelings when you worry. Awareness is the goal, not judging yourself for the thoughts.
Ask God to take you to the root of the worry. So, if I’m worried about the TV being installed properly, is that a legitimate worry or a fear? (There are legitimate things we are concerned about, but these things do not dominate our thinking). What if the TV isn’t installed properly? Then I’ll have to accept the blame with my wife and explain why it wasn’t done right. If I do that, she may believe I can’t handle things and think less of me. If she thinks less of me, then I’ll feel like I can’t do anything right and I’m a failure (now we are getting to the root of the problem, I feel like a failure at times because that’s how my mom and dad sometimes treated me, and I started to believe it myself). This is just an example.
Once you’re at the root of the worry, confess who God knows you to be in Christ. In my example, the awareness of my belief that I’m a failure could lead me to confess: I AM complete in Christ, I AM sufficient for all things in Christ, I AM loved unconditionally regardless of the outcome of this TV installation or my wife’s feelings. I AM statements help to rewire our thinking and belief about our true self in Christ - because they are the truth!
Living in reality is living in the truth of each moment, the truth about who I AM in Christ, not current circumstances or old false identities. Your identity in Him trumps everything, and His agape for you is unconditional.